i guess i knew tonight would happen eventually. it wasnt going to be something i planned i guessed one day it would just end this way no matter what. i know i am hollow and empty now, more so than i ever have been in my entire life. i knew taking my own life would be the only way i would have wanted to go.
ive tried to make things better. ive tried so hard and its so difficult to be normal around people when i have this living nightmare going on inside when you scratch the surface. i just want to say im sorry. im sorry im this fucked up creature who hurts everything she touches. i cant live a normal life anymore and its difficult to even smile. even the pills dont work on me anymore. all the therapy in the world cant save me from myself. so whats the point of struggling, constantly acheing and hurting when i fail? im never going to do anything in life that will even make it worth it.
i guess i should say sorry to all my friends and family, because they wont deserve to feel sad about me and what im about to do. i dont know if it makes any difference really, because i know i have become a burden. nobody calls, nobody tries anymore and it seems people one want me around when im having a day where i can at least pretend i am fine, and behave normally.
so suzanne, kirsty, kate, ellie, jessica, i am so sorry. i dont want you to be sad. i dont want you to blame yourselves because all i have ever done is do exactly what i knew would be the inevitable. the years i have known you all were probably the best i would ever get in this lifetime. you have only ever been good to me, and im sorry that i havent always been good friends to you. i know that i am a bad person, and i have never truly deserved any of you. i know you didnt always call sometimes and i know that was because i’m just too much for all of you to bare. i wouldnt want any more burden on your lives as i realize i am simply a mess. i love you so much.just know that i dont blame you. i dont think you did anything other than what you could. i hope you know that i love you guys so much and im so sorry about what i’ve done. im sorry you have to live with this now…just know that i am happier wherever i end up.
mum, dad, and ella, oh my gosh i dont know where to begin. from a child you have sheltered me and i realise i havent been the best of daughters. i just can’t handle the pain anymore. please tell ella she is the most wonderful little girl i have ever had the chance to meet, and tell her every single day of her life; i know she will be a beautiful, strong willed person when she grows up and she will be sucessful and wonderful in everything she does. remind her every day how beautiful she really is. she is a sunshine soul and i only wish she can do everything i never could. isnt it funny how such a sharp contrast can be reflected on my life for instance? parents, i know you tried. you did everything you could but i’m sorry, i just can’t fight this any longer. please dont blame yourselves. i love you so much with every inch of my soul.
and lastly, anthony. you are the sun and stars of my life and i know that i depended on you for everything. i know my crushing illness has ruined our relationship and everything we had is crumbling beneath us. i want you to know that you have been the light that has kept me here for this long.. if not, perhaps i would have faded away sooner. you know more than anyone how much i love you- you fill me up inside and keep my floating up when i feel like lead. i just can’t handle this anymore because i know the way i am is ruining you and im sinking faster into the abyss and dragging you with me and i can’t do that to you i simply can’t. i can see your face sometimes when im sad and when im crying its killing you seeing me like this. i hate the idea of causing you pain and i know that maybe doing this is only going to hurt you; but i believe in the long run you will find somebody who is more your kind of soul. a happy one. one who is sunshine personified, much more like you than my darkness i bring to your life. i hope you can some day forgive me; and love me for who i was before this black cloud took over my heart.
i cling to this earth with my fingertips almost every day of my life. i can’t really explain what it’s like to somebody who hasnt felt the constant ache within themselves when they wake every morning. the moment between waking and sleep is the only moment i can feel human and instead i feel like this creeping monster moves beneath my skin and into my head and i drown in it.
i think if you read my blog you may get at least some understanding of what its been like for the past year; if it’s answers you need i hope you will find them here.
please forgive me.
urgh, i give up, i’m just going to get drunk, crash out and hope i never wake up.